Guilt is probably one of the most important emotional state that defines me. One that I have started to take pride in, and consider to be a virtue. It is without a doubt a feeling I dislike, but not so different from, the receiving end of constructive criticism, except this one is internal. Like they say “the truth can sometimes hurt” and only I know the truth about myself.
Before I start, let me define what I mean by guilt. This is not the guilt of breaking the law, or guilty of doing something bad, as with harming another person or creature, or any negative action that is usually followed by remorse. The guilt I feel is imposed by my conscience. With so many people around me projecting success and self-worth, I’m feeling somehow left behind, with my idealist hopes.
I am currently in the middle of a mental crisis, which I would recommend for everyone, at some point in their lives. The result was becoming, for lack of a better word, a recluse, which I have justified to myself as a personal retreat away from all the egos and noise.
The noise that keeps trying to make me someone who I’m not, the noise that defines a very narrow view of success, the noise that talks about football as the best part of the week, the noise coming out of the TV whether to numb my mind or brainwash it, the noise of celebrities and idols that this modern world has created and want us to follow.
Being interested in philosophy and the sciences I started reading books. So many good books, so many people, so much to learn. Where video games use to be, books have now taken over. I reached a point where I started reflecting on many things, mostly inwards.
I learnt that it’s not only OK to be different, but if you know yourself, being different can make you flourish. Apart from being an introvert or something of the type, I found out why I am always feeling guilty. Melancholic is probably a better word, although I prefer guilt, because it’s the source.
I am not the person who I want to be, changed by a world not as I thought. Letting go of the guilt would mean I give up on my childhood dreams. I hope I will never do that. I believe we are here in this world together and for each other, in a symbiotic relationship with nature, and this to me is a purpose worthwhile living for.